1.
after experiencing deep loss, i’ve moved from shock to bitterness, bitterness to regret, and regret to a mere sadness. what intruiged me was how seamlessly i moved through these emotions as the weeks passed. i couldn’t tell you how right now is different from the day after i had the loss. but it is different. interesting how indistinguishable, yet how radically different, these emotions are. at least, for me.
2.
my indifference to death fascinates me. the idea of dying doesn’t scare me at all. when i play games of “what if” with myself, i find myself comparing being alive and dying, and i can’t find myself desiring either one any more than the other. not that i’m suicidal. anything but. i love life, i love living, i love being able to breath and i value the life God had given me. but imagining, “what if” i died tomorrow, or tonight…it doesn’t bother me. as much as i enjoy the thought of living out my life and influencing this generation and having my presence known in this world, and my voice heard…death fascinates me almost as much as imagining what i could do with my (corporeal and fleeting) life on earth. its not a sick or sadistic fascination. but it is a fascination nonetheless.
3.
i wonder what it’s like to have real, evident talent.
4.
i wonder how much of me is made up of everyone else, and how much of me is who i really am.
i wonder how well i’ve managed to stay true to myself and sincere to others.
the more i examine myself in the latter, the more disappointed i become. i wish i could be more me, and less what i want me to be.
5.
i don’t think i’ll be pleased with where i end up in life unless my words and actions have extreme influence over many. otherwise, what good was my existence on earth but to live my life and die?
if my existence makes no lasting impression, why should i have existed at all?
6.
the song “dont worry, be happy” never fails to calm me down and grant me serenity of mind. it doesnt justify its philosophy with reason or proof. it just insists, after listing struggle after struggle, to not worry – to be happy. it makes me happy. because sometimes, there is no reason to be happy. but at all times, it’s better to be so.
7.
how do you make money on a philosophy major?
attach a price tag to your five cents on life?
eh, i guess andy warhol did it well enough.
8.
i wonder who actually even reads this?
honestly it bothers me that i get so many hits but only one or two comments.
it really is an encouragement when i get feedback on posts. even if it is only a few words.
otherwise it feels like i’m just talking to myself here.
if you don’t think my posts are interesting enough then tell me what is interesting enough and i will write about it.
pinkie promise.
9.
did you know that mice and giraffes have the same number of neck bones?
10.
i think it’s interesting how i simultaneously want to meet everyone in the world but also live as a hermit in a driftwood hut, and never speak to another soul again in my life.
